Will

Hopefully, today is the first day of the rest of my life. No, there can be no hopefully about it. I must think positively, I must be positive. Perhaps that is half the battle.

So, today is the first day of the rest of my life; I know because I have decided that something needs to change, my life needs to change, for the better.

For six years now my life has been dominated by one thing, one measly thing that you, or I, cannot see or hear but maybe, just maybe, I can learn to control.

It is something that I can most definitely feel: pain, chronic pain; like a raw, nagging toothache that seems to have gone on forever, at times rising and clawing away at my nerves, like a sore, open and burst blister touched by sea water for the first time.

Or childbirth, maybe, for I guess that only a woman who has gone through that can appreciate that comparison and, in any case, as a man I doubt that I would get any compassion for that comparison.

Anyway, I digress.

The pain is there, always, from morning to night and even through the night too, rousing me in my sleep as I turn, groan and feel it. It is only becalmed by boringness and good behaviour, like a prisoner seeking parole; and that is a good analogy, the prisoner I feel that I am, the pain imprisoning me into this life that I am leading, barely one, just existing; and a prisoner in my own home too, or so it feels, as each trip out leads to pain, whether from walking or travelling by car, though the latter is easier than the latter.

The pain dominates my life, every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

 

I do something, almost anything, and I feel the pain rising, nagging away at me, telling me to stop or it will hurt even more. So my life is a quandary: I do nothing, I am bored; I do something, almost anything, from walking to sitting and standing to bending, I am in more pain.

I try to do less activities that hurt but do more activities that keep my mind active, or at least occupied: reading the newspaper (sent to my kindle to avoid having to go to the shop and, most definitely not one of those papers that belittle the plight of those disabled or on benefits); surfing the internet; watching sport and good TV but most definitely not mind exploding simple and mood depressingly condescending daytime TV; writing (yes, this, a blog about my pain, my life, my hope!).

No. That life is no more. I must be positive. I will do more. I will get out more. I will no longer feel like a prisoner, locked in by my wife as she goes to work each morning.

I will take on absolutely the pacing regime that the pain clinic has suggested. I will exercise through pain and tiredness and lack of motivation. I will use the prescribed relaxation and distraction techniques. I will reduce the amount of medication that I take to control the pain before it kills me slowly (as it seems to be doing). I will pace to the second, even if it kills me mentally.

I will, I will, I will!