Often I feel that it is my
situation, my life, which upsets me more than the pain itself.
It is the loss of freedom that
most upsets me, always having to be aware of the pain and always having to
consider the effect my actions will have on it. As a consequence, I feel that I
am not really living anymore; I just exist, trying to get through each day
without aggravating the pain so much that I cannot do the things I have to do,
or really want to do.
All the while I have this dread
of the pain, knowing that the pain will come, like a spider crawling ever
closer to someone who suffers from arachnophobia.
Normally, away from this blog, I do not complain about the
pain, or my situation; that is just not me. As my wife would no doubt tell you,
it is my stubbornness, my sheer will to not give in to things that I dislike or
disagree with, like the pain, that has got me this far.
So, most of the time, I hide my
pain, my feelings and my thoughts and just get on with life; at least I have
until now. Somehow I have kept on going, having faith that everything will be
okay. Somehow I have kept on fighting, taking one day at a time. Somehow, I
have never, ever, given up. It is how I have got through the last six years. If
I had not done those things, I do not know how I would have coped with what
happened, or how I have continued to cope to this day.
I dream of a way out, not of the
pain, but the situation. I can accept the pain now; I have come to do so, it
having been with me for so long. I cannot accept the situation. I just want a
normal life. I want my wife and I to have children, for us to get a dog, and
lead a normal family life; and all that entails.
But...
But life for me now is a constant
struggle, to fight the pain to do what I have to do let alone want to do. I do
not know how we will, one day, maybe soon, have children when sometimes I can
barely look after myself. I know that my wife, we and maybe I have the love for
children but I do not know if we will have the resources, in any way, to do so
whilst my pain continues.
I have shown that I am resilient
over the last six years, but I do not know if I have the resilience to take on
responsibility for others. But somehow I will. Somehow I will have the faith.
Somehow I will keep fighting. Somehow I will never, ever, give up. I just do
not know whether or not financially we will ever be able to do so. Somehow,
that thought saddens me more than anything else.
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